I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who avidly blogs and she said it really calms her down and lets her express any and everything she’s feeling, going through, or just doesn’t want to keep in anymore. I proceeded to tell her how I’ve been so ridiculously stressed lately to the point of on-going headaches and she told me to try blogging at least once a day. Might not do absolutely anything, but here goes.
I just got back to school today in Gainesville after being in my hometown for a week. It was great to just kick back for a week, but being home started to bring back old feelings about my parents marriage. They were separated for some time at the beginning of this year because of my father’s poor judgment and border-line divorce papers in February. I hated my dad. I’ve never actually hated anyone, but what he did made me more upset than I ever have been. I’ve been cheated on multiple times in multiple different relationships, so, I sadly expect it from guys I’m dating, but my father was supposed to be the one guy in the world I could trust and the one guy that was determined to never do something like that. I felt betrayed, confused and ultimately helpless because I couldn’t really talk to anybody about it. Long story short, my mom ending up “staying with him for everything he had done right and not leaving him for the one thing he had done wrong,” (yes, I did just quote The Vow..) which I should be happy about, right? But for me, all I saw was my mom deserved better, more. Yes, she can be a crazy bitch sometimes, but so can I and I expect someday down the road someone to be able and willing to not only put up with, but love my crazy bitchiness. So I go home for this one week I have free for the summer and my parents act like everything is fine and nothing seriously detrimental happened to their marriage just three months ago. I feel like I’m the only one that remembers that right before Valentine’s Day 2012, my parents were ready to sign divorce papers.. My dad, for some reason, decided he didn’t want that and begged for her to come back to him, she agreed, and we’re one “big happy family” again, but I’m still really hurt inside and I know my mom is too even if she doesn’t ever show it, because it takes a super long time to move on from something like that, not just three months. I have yet to talk to my dad about anything. The only communication we had during the whole shindig was me texting him saying something along the lines of “I never want to speak to you again. I hope she was worth it cuz you have now lost everything I thought you loved about life, especially me,” and another text from me saying something like “I’m sorry, I’m trying to move on, you just have to give me time.” So basically, my father and I just kinda moved on from it without ever really discussing what happened between us, which obviously isn’t healthy, but I feel selfish for bringing something like that back up when it seems on the outside that I’m the only one who’s still suffering from it.
On top of dealing by myself with my parents almost-divorce, I got a D+ in an American Government class this Spring. AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. Are you fucking kidding me? My professor was a complete ass, but still, a D? I’ve never seen below a C+ in my entire education, so I was literally crushed. My GPA paid for it big time and now my pocket will also be paying big time as I pay to make-up the class during summer B and pay for three other bull-shit classes that I should make A’s in for GPA boosting. One of those three classes started today and had three 20 question quizzes and 2 discussion postings already due.
On top top of that, I have my final interview tomorrow with Gainesville Health and Fitness, which I’m actually really excited about, but I start my job at Munchies Cafe on Wednesday, which I am not excited about in the least.
On top top top of that, I am seriously missing my best friend and boyfriend. I literally spent every single day possible of the past year seeing both of them because of school, but now summer is here and most people I know had to go back to their hometowns, but not me, I gotta make bank this summer to get ready for a account-threatening rent in the Fall.
I just took a really deep breath and calmly exhaled, so, I think my friend was right. It’s good to get any and everything out even if no one reads or cares about it.